During the two months of lockdown last spring in Shanghai, residents were mostly confined to their homes and hallways. For a single woman like me who, at 29, lives alone and is self-employed, my entire life was reduced to me, myself and I.
今天春天上海封城的兩個月裡，大多數居民都不得離開樓門。對於我這樣一個29歲的單身女性，獨居而且是自由職業，如此一來整個生活就剩下自己了。
Many foods became unavailable during this time; people were anxious, isolated and bored. Coke, cake and chocolate became rare luxuries. You could trade for almost anything with a can of soda, and the taste of chocolate could send you to nirvana. Bartering and group purchasing became the new normal, along with five-minute “dates” behind face masks near the PCR test booth, which was one of the few places outside of our apartments we were allowed to go.
在那段時間裡，許多食物都弄不到了；人們感到焦慮、孤立和無聊。可樂、蛋糕和巧克力成為了稀有的奢侈品。你幾乎可以用一罐汽水換取任何東西，巧克力的味道能讓你上天堂。以物易物和團購成為新常態，還有趁著做核酸的機會，戴著口罩在一旁進行五分鐘的「約會」。做核酸的地方是我們出門後可以去的少數幾個地方之一。
Naturally, everyone was excited when our building finally got the chance to order burgers and Coke from a local fast-food place. However, when I asked the hundreds of members of our building’s WeChat group — hastily created during lockdown — if anyone wanted to help with the delivery, the silence lasted for 10 minutes. Then my phone lit up with a message from a man I didn’t know: “I’d be happy to help.”
當我們樓終於有機會從附近一家快餐店下單買漢堡和可樂時，大家自然都很興奮。然而，當我問我們樓微信群（封城期間匆忙建立的）裡的數百名成員，是否有人願意幫忙送貨時，群裡10分鐘沒人說話。後來，我的手機收到了一個陌生男人發來的信息：「我很樂意幫忙。」
After our initial chitchat about burgers, he wrote, “How do you keep yourself busy?”
在聊完漢堡之後，他寫道：「你是怎麼打發時間的？」
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“I’m learning French,” I replied.
「我在學法語，」我回覆道。
In perfect French, he replied, “You can practice with me.”
他用純正的法語回答：「你可以跟我練法語。」
And, voilà, it turned out he’d come from France, which actually isn’t so unusual here; our high-rise complex has many foreign residents.
喲，原來他來自法國。在上海，這種事情還挺常見的；我們住的這棟高層公寓樓裡，就住著不少外國人。
When the food arrived, I had six volunteers, including myself, to help distribute the bags around the building. Everyone said a casual “hi” when they came downstairs, but there was no “hi” from him — only a half-second pause in his footsteps. As my eyes met his, a little voice in my head said something was going to happen between us.
食物送來後，包括我在內，有六個志願者幫忙分發食物。下樓的時候，每個人都隨口說了聲「hi」，但他沒有——只有腳步半秒的停頓。當我跟他的目光相遇時，我腦海中的一個小聲音說道，我們之間會發生什麼。
I divided us into three groups of two and asked him to pair with my friend. Each group was responsible for seven floors. My group was the last to finish. And he was the only one who offered to help after he finished with his floors.
我把大家分成三組，每組兩個人，讓他和我的朋友一組。每組負責七層樓。我們組是最後一個完成的。他是唯一一個在完成他負責的樓層後主動提出幫忙的。
“Will you say something in French to me?” he said. “I want to check your pronunciation.”
「你能用法語對我說點什麼嗎？」他說。「我想聽聽你的發音。」
“Je ne comprend pas,” I said. (“I don’t understand.”)
「Je ne comprend pas（我聽不懂），」我說到。
He laughed, then said, “Pas mal.” (“Not bad.”)
他笑了，說道，「Pas mal（還行）。」
When I finally returned to my apartment, my phone lit up with a message from him: “Enchanté! You have good pronunciation, btw.”
終於忙完回到家，我的手機收到了一條他發來的信息：「Enchanté（幸會）！順便說一句，你的發音很不錯。」
Over the following two weeks, our relationship progressed from chatting every three days to chatting every day, and we even took a walk together with another neighbor. Lockdown really puts you back in high school, I guess.
在接下來的兩週裡，我們的關係從隔幾天聊一次發展到了每天都會聊天，甚至還和另一個鄰居一起散了一次步。我想，封控真的會讓你回到高中時代。
One day, when I commented, “Oh, pretty,” after seeing the picture of a fox he had sent, he replied, “You’re pretty.”
有一天，看到他發來的一隻狐狸的照片，我說：「哎呀，真漂亮。」他回答說：「你才漂亮。」
“Technically,” I said, “you’ve only seen half of my face.”
「嚴格來說，」我說，「你只見過我半張臉。」
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“Haha, true. Longing for the day.”
「哈哈，沒錯。期待那一天的到來。」
That day arrived the next morning, when one of our neighbors had her packages stolen and wanted to check the security footage and catch the thief. However, she doesn’t speak Chinese, so I volunteered to help. We spent seven hours playing detective, and he joined us after learning I was there.
這一天在第二天早上到來了，一個鄰居的包裹被偷了，她想調取監控錄像，找到小偷。但是，她不會說中文，於是我主動提出幫忙。我們當了七個小時的偵探，他得知我在那裡後也加入了我們。
The first time I removed my mask to take a sip of water, he said, “I saw that.”
我第一次摘下口罩喝水的時候，他說，「我看到了。」
I turned around and saw his smiling eyes. No, we didn’t kiss. Not yet.
我轉過身來，看到他眼帶笑意。不，我們沒有接吻。還沒到時候。
When we had our first face-to-face conversation under the moonlight, I asked him to tell me his life story. Being an artist, he got to move from country to country. He was always on the run, exploring the world. Which, I was sad to learn, was about to resume: He told me he was leaving China for good in five months.
當我們在月光下有了第一次面對面交流，我請他給我講了自己的人生經歷。作為一名藝術家，他得以去許多國家生活。他總是在四處奔波，探索世界。而讓我感到難過的是，他即將恢復這樣的生活方式：他說自己將在五個月後永遠離開中國。
“Don’t get attached,” said the voice in my head. “Just be friends.”
「不要動感情，」我腦海中的聲音說道。「做朋友就好。」
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Later, I told our story to my friends, how he and I met, what a good person he is, and how he made me happy in this or that way. Their pleased expressions turned grim when I explained that he was leaving.
後來，我把我們的故事告訴了朋友，他和我是如何認識的，他是個多麼出色的人，以及他如何以這樣或那樣的方式讓我開心。當我解釋說他準備離開的時候，他們高興的表情變得沉重起來。
He was leaving. That sentence was like a dagger. Every time I thought about it, I felt stabbed in the heart.
他要走了。這句話就像一把匕首。每每念及此處，我的心都像被扎了一下。
Over the next month, he and I grew closer. We started to take evening walks downstairs, playing badminton with neighbors, and messaging each other day and night.
在接下來的一個月裡，他和我越來越親密。我們開始在傍晚下樓散步，與鄰居打羽毛球，天天發信息交流。
One day, when he was sick and I half-jokingly asked him how life was without seeing me, he replied, “Meaningless.”
有一天他生病了，我半開玩笑地問他，見不到我的生活滋味如何，他回覆道，「毫無意義。」
“Oh wow,” I said.
「哇噻，」我說。
“I like that I can still surprise you,” he said.
「不錯，我還能給你驚喜，」他說。
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I seemed to have made peace with the fact that we were still under lockdown, that everything was super expensive and difficult to get, that people were sneaking out of Shanghai every day, and that the whole city was silently suffering. While I savored how he made everything easier to bear, I also dreaded the uncertainties ahead. We were getting closer to freedom. I was getting more depressed.
我似乎已經接受了現實，那就是我們仍處於被封鎖狀態，所有東西都很昂貴，很難買到，每天都有人逃離上海，整座城市也在默默承受著痛苦。雖然我珍惜他讓這一切變得更容易忍受的能力，但我也害怕未來的不確定性。我們離自由越來越近了。我的心情也愈發沮喪。
June 1 was the official date for the lockdown to be lifted, but by late May people were already going out and drinking and urinating on street corners. The city went from one extreme to another.
6月1日是正式解封的日子，但到5月底，人們已經開始外出，在街角喝酒和小便。整座城市從一個極端走向另一個極端。
When he and I were finally able to go on a walk together outside of our compound, he said, “You OK? Your energy level seems a bit lower than usual.”
等他和我終於能走到我們的小區外散步時，他說，「你還好嗎？你似乎沒平時有精神。」
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I said. “I feel weird seeing the world again after more than two months of lockdown.” But I was just saying that; it wasn’t the real reason.
「嗯，我很好，」我說。「就是在兩個多月的封鎖之後再次看到這個世界感覺很奇怪。」但我只是說說而已；這不是真正的原因。
An hour later, when we were sunbathing on the stairs in front of a row of trees, I told him that I wasn’t good at saying goodbye.
一小時後，當我們在一排樹木前的樓梯上曬太陽時，我對他說，我不擅長告別。
He looked at me without saying anything.
他看著我，一言不發。
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I went on: “Before, it was very extreme because I would have mental breakdowns when I had to part with people I truly care about. Then I dug into my past, my childhood memories and realized that I have abandonment issues.”
我繼續說：「以前我的情緒很極端，因為當我不得不跟特別在乎的人分別，我會精神崩潰。後來我挖掘了自己的過去，我的童年記憶，發現我有遺棄情結。」
“I was waiting for you to reach that conclusion.” He lit a cigarette and said, “You just have to remember one thing — it’s nothing personal.”
「我就在等你得出那個結論。」他點燃一支煙，然後說，「你只要記住一件事就好——這不是你的問題。」
After that conversation, I could breathe again.
那次談話之後，我終於鬆了口氣。
In Shanghai, finding a suitable partner can feel impossible. Everyone is so busy, exhausted and guarded that opening their heart can seem too risky. After almost seven years of living here, I too have become a tough nut to crack. With no intention of putting the blame on my rough childhood or the men who have disappointed me, I do think those experiences have made me never want to be vulnerable again.
在上海，想找個合適的伴侶感覺都是不可能任務。人人都那麼忙碌、疲憊、警惕，連打開心扉都像是件過於冒險的事。在這裡生活近七年後，我也變成了一個難以敞開內心的人。我不願把這歸咎於童年的艱難或是那些讓我失望的男性，但我確實相信，這些經歷讓我再也不想曝露自己的脆弱。
The lockdown changed all that. Something eroded my tough exterior enough to let him in. We read together, discussed philosophy, biked around the city and talked. Damn, we could talk. I thought Céline and Jesse in “Before Sunrise” talked too much — but they were nothing compared to us.
封城改變了這一切。有什麼東西侵蝕了我的堅硬外殼，讓他進來了。我們一起閱讀，討論哲學，在城市裡騎行聊天。我以前還覺得《愛在黎明破曉前》裡的席琳和傑西話太多——但與我們相比，那都算不得什麼。
His apartment faces east; mine west. He would send me a picture of the sunrise every morning, and I would send him a picture of the sunset every evening. Old school romance is exactly my cup of tea.
他的公寓朝東；我的向西。每天早上他都給我發一張日出的照片，晚上我則給他發一張日落的。老派浪漫正是我的菜。
One day when we were sipping wine, I shed tears while watching a video he composed after going through a major depression, and he held me tight while listening to me open up about my past trauma. This is the kind of intimacy that I could die for. I know it’s unrealistic to say that external factors can resolve internal issues, but I felt like I was healing in his presence.
有天我們在喝酒，我看了他在經歷嚴重抑鬱後創作的影片就哭了，而他緊緊抱著我，聽我傾訴過去的創傷。這簡直是我夢寐以求的親密關係。我知道靠外部因素來解決自身內在問題是不現實的，但在他的陪伴下，我有了被治癒的感覺。
My friends asked: “Why don’t you ask him to stay?” “Why don’t you go with him?”
朋友們問我：「你為什麼不讓他留下？」「你為什麼不和他一起走？」
The answer is that neither of us should stand in the other’s way when it comes to making life choices. I believe that everything happens for a reason. We had been neighbors for months, having drinks in the same bar, reading books in the same bookstore, walking on the same street and taking the same elevator, but we had never met.
原因在於，我們都不應妨礙對方去做自己的人生選擇。我相信萬事皆有因。我們之前做了幾個月鄰居，去同一家酒吧喝酒，在同一家書店看書，走在同一條街，搭同一部電梯，但都從未相遇。
I once asked him what would have happened if we had seen each other in a bar, and he said, ‘Knowing myself, nothing.”
我曾經問他，如果我們是在酒吧認識會怎樣，他說，「以我的個性，什麼都不會發生。」
Our goodbye did happen after the lockdown ended — but not in the way I expected.
封鎖結束後，我們的確說了再見——但不是以我預期的方式。
Lockdown jolted us out of our lives and created this bubble of vulnerability and romance, but bubbles always burst. When the harsh reality of normal life started to kick in, I returned to being the tough and rational person I was before. Unfortunately, my heart never wins battles against my brain.
封鎖使我們脫離了日常，創造出了這個脆弱而浪漫的泡沫，但泡沫總會破滅。當日常的殘酷現實開始襲來，我又變回了以前那個堅強而理性的人。很不幸，我的心從來贏不了我的大腦。
So here we are. Still in the same building but acting as if he already left. With our conversations diminishing day by day, I no longer look outside my window when dusk approaches.
所以，現在就是這樣了。還住在同一棟樓，但我表現得好像他已經離開了一樣。隨著我們的交流日益減少，當黃昏來臨，我也不再看窗外的風景了。
However, very rarely, when I do chance upon a sunset, I find myself wondering if the darkening orange hue promises a beautiful sunrise.
然而，在偶然一瞥日落的時刻，我依然會想，那黯淡的餘暉之後是否還會有美麗的日出。