Will and Rose met online 10 years ago. His screen name was professorparsley, and he looked the part — tall and thin, with glasses, features that Rose found attractive. On their first date, Rose learned that Will was a college student living with his mother, and his handle came from a nickname given to him by a child at an art camp where he worked. They laugh about it now, as they do with most things. Will thought Rose was exciting and direct. He grew up in suburban Ontario, and she was from Southern California, which was like another world to him. Right away, what they loved about each other were their differences.

威爾和羅絲是十年前在網上認識的。他的網名是「歐芹教授」，看上去很合適——又高又瘦，戴著眼鏡，這些都很吸引羅絲。他們第一次約會時，羅絲得知威爾是一名大學生，和母親住在一起，這個網名來自他工作的一個藝術營的孩子給他起的綽號。他們說起這件事就大笑，說起大多數事情也都是歡聲笑語。威爾覺得羅斯既讓人興奮又為人直率。他在安大略省的郊區長大，而她來自南加州，對他來說，那就像是另一個世界。他們之間的不同很快就成了他們喜歡彼此的地方。

Rose was drawn to how stable Will seemed — so unlike the other men she had dated, who dreaded commitment. Their relationship survived multiple moves, about a year of long-distance dating and the challenges of finding time to be together while living with parents and roommates. Now, seven years into their marriage, they have their own place: a one-bedroom apartment in Los Angeles, where Rose sees Pilates clients. Will is gone during the day, teaching, and at night they cuddle in bed and watch television. “It’s my favorite part of the day,” Rose says. (Rose and Will are middle names. All subjects asked to be referred to by their first names, middle names or a nickname, out of concerns for their privacy.)

羅絲喜歡威爾的穩重——和她約會過的其他男人不同，他們害怕承諾。他們的關係經受了許多考驗，包括多次搬家，大約一年的異地戀，以及與父母和室友同住時如何找到時間在一起。現在，他們結婚七年了，在洛杉磯有了自己的房子：一套一居室的公寓，羅絲在那裡接待自己的普拉提客戶。威爾白天出去教書，晚上他們依偎在床上看電視。「這是我一天中最喜歡的時光，」羅絲說。（羅絲和威爾都是中間名。出於對隱私的考慮，所有受試者都要求用他們的名字、中間名或暱稱來稱呼他們。）

As much as Will grounds her, Rose feels that the familiar calm of their relationship also shuts her down sexually. They go months without sex, but they don’t lack intimacy. They have a policy of never refusing a hug, something they instituted to resolve the minor disagreements that inevitably crop up in any relationship. They have also talked candidly about how, for her, the safe predictability of their marriage — the quality she loves about their lives together — dulls her sex drive. She knows that can be confusing, even frustrating, for Will, but she doesn’t like the idea of forcing herself to have sex. Rose’s mother, now divorced, felt obligated to have sex with Rose’s father once a week. That’s not the kind of relationship Rose wants.

雖然威爾讓她感覺踏實，但羅絲覺得他們習慣的平靜關係也讓她在性方面感到壓抑。他們有時幾個月沒有性生活，但並不缺乏親密感。他們有一個永遠不拒絕擁抱的原則，這是他們為了解決任何關係中都不可避免會出現的小分歧而制定的。他們還坦率地談到，對她來說，他們婚姻的安全可預測性——在共同生活中，這一點是她所喜歡的——抑制了她的性慾。她知道這會讓威爾感到困惑，甚至沮喪，但她不想強迫自己做愛。羅絲的父母已經離婚，她的母親曾經覺得覺得有義務每週和羅絲的父親做愛一次，這不是羅絲想要的關係。

To get into a sexual mood, Rose relies on a set of rituals to help build anticipation — doing her hair and makeup, shaving her legs, having a glass of wine over dinner or, when their schedules allow, going on vacation to break out of their routines. Will doesn’t need to do anything to feel ready for sex, and Rose sees this as another way in which they’re different. Over the years, they have accepted that this is what their sex life looks like, and will look like, if they want to be together, which they do.

為了進入願意做愛的狀態，羅絲依靠一系列的儀式來幫助建立期待——做頭髮和化妝，刮腿毛，晚餐時喝紅酒，或者，當他們的日程允許時去度假，以便打破生活常規。威爾不需要為性做任何準備，羅絲認為這是他們之間的另一個不同之處。多年來，他們已經接受了這樣的性生活方式，如果他們想在一起，他們性生活就是這樣的，他們也的確想讓關係繼續。

During the pandemic, the couple went more than a year without having sex, but they savored their extra time together. Rose used to spend hours driving in traffic to different workout studios, coming home late, not seeing her husband much. Stuck at home, they took walks around their neighborhood. They talked constantly. They started taking online yoga classes together, a hobby that stuck. Will appreciates these smaller opportunities to connect. Rose thinks she’s not the nurturing type, but Will disagrees. “She’s not stingy in spirit or time,” he says.

疫情期間，這對夫婦有一年多沒有性生活，但他們很享受有更多在一起的時間。羅絲過去常常花幾個小時開車去不同的健身房，很晚才回家，很少見到丈夫。被困在家裡的時候，他們在附近散步。不停地交談。他們開始一起上在線瑜伽課，這個愛好一直延續了下來。威爾很欣賞這些小小的交流機會。羅絲認為她不是那種會照顧人的人，但威爾不這麼認為。「她在精神上和時間上都不吝嗇，」他說。

Sometimes they shower together and hold each other naked, without any expectation of sex. Though Will remains hopeful that these moments will lead to something else, he doesn’t push it.

有時他們一起洗澡，赤裸著抱在一起，但並不期待發生性關係。雖然威爾仍然希望這些時刻會有別的結果，但他並不強求。

Cultural attitudes about the role sex plays in a marriage have evolved significantly over time. Where once marital sex was primarily a means for bearing children, in recent decades, the conventional wisdom was that frequent sex was integral to a happy union. During the 1990s, a new wave of sex positivity coincided with the ascendancy of different forms of therapy, including couples counseling. Experts coached couples on how to strengthen their marriages, often relying on the belief that healthy relationships included consistent sex with partners. By the 2010s, appointment sex had become one popular method for maintaining intimacy and, somewhat implicitly, safeguarding against separation.

隨著時間的推移，人們對性在婚姻中所扮演角色的文化態度發生了很大變化。過去，婚姻中的性行為主要是為了生兒育女，但近幾十年來，常規觀念認為，頻繁的性行為是幸福婚姻不可或缺的一部分。在20世紀90年代，隨著包括夫妻諮詢在內的各種治療方式的興起，性積極也掀起了新的浪潮。專家們指導夫妻們如何鞏固婚姻，他們通常認為，健康的婚姻關係包括與伴侶持續的性行為。到2010年代，預約式性愛已經成為一種保持親密關係的流行方法，並在一定程度上暗含防止分手的意思。

In more recent years, however, both relationship experts and couples themselves have been gradually dismantling some of these commonly held views, working to destigmatize the unconventional approaches that some take to stay together. Online groups have sprung up for couples who challenge basic assumptions that spouses should share a bedroom or even a home. Sharon Hyman, who runs a Facebook group called Apartners for couples who have chosen to live separately, told me that many of the members in her community find their sex lives improve when they don’t spend every minute together. “My goal is to show that there are healthy options for relationships,” Hyman says. “No one size fits all.”

然而，近年來，夫妻關係專家和夫妻自己都在逐漸摒棄一些普遍持有的觀點，努力為那些用於維持婚姻的非常規方法正名。一些夫妻挑戰了夫妻應該共用卧室、甚至住在一個家裡的基本假設，他們的網路小組大量湧現。沙倫·海曼在Facebook上管理了一個名為「Apartners」的小組，專門為選擇分開居住的夫婦服務。她告訴我，她所在小組的許多成員發現，當他們不再時時刻刻在一起時，他們的性生活得到了改善。「我的目標是向人們展示，健康的關係有許多種，」海曼說。「沒有一種方法適合所有人。」

One effect of the ever-changing sexual climate is that many couples today are simply less willing to tolerate what the psychotherapist Esther Perel calls “boredom” in the bedroom. Perel has made a career of articulating how domestic overexposure saps eroticism, which requires some intrigue, mystery and unfamiliarity. That’s not to suggest that long-term love and desire are impossible, but according to Perel, keeping sexual interest alive requires getting creative. In her podcast, “Where Should We Begin?” Perel helps couples explore and articulate their fantasies, honor each other as individuals and experiment with new approaches to fulfilling their desires together.

For Perel, as for many other relationship experts, that sometimes means re-examining investment in another foundational premise of marriage: monogamy. The advice columnist Dan Savage, too, has argued that monogamy isn’t entirely plausible, or pleasurable, for everyone, and is critical of Americans’ obsession with moralizing infidelity. He encourages married people to be honest with each other about how hard it is to carry the responsibility of fulfilling their partner’s sexual and emotional needs for decades on end.

對佩雷爾和許多其他關係專家來說，這有時意味著重新審視對婚姻另一個基本前提的投入：單配制。諮詢專欄作家丹·薩維奇也認為，單配製並非對所有人來說都完全合理或令人愉快，他對美國人痴迷於將不忠變為道德問題持批評態度。他鼓勵已婚人士坦誠地告訴對方，幾十年來一直承擔滿足伴侶在性和情感方面需求的責任是多麼困難。

While some are questioning the standard of monogamous sex in marriage by exploring polyamorous and open relationships, others are pushing back against the pressure to have sex at all. In fact, Americans on the whole are having less sex than they used to — across race, gender, region, educational level and work status. One study found that American adults born in the 1990s are having less sex than older generations; they are in fewer steady partnerships, and those who are partnered are also having less sex. The 2021 General Social Survey found that about 50 percent of all adults polled had sex once a month or less, with half of those people reporting they hadn’t had sex for a year. Researchers have speculated about the reasons for this 30-year sexual low, from isolation caused by technology to cultural conversations about consent.

有些人通過探索多角戀和開放關係來質疑婚姻中的單配製標準，還有一些人則在抵制發生性行為的壓力。事實上，從整體上看，美國人的性生活比以前少了——不分種族、性別、地區、教育水平和就業情況。一項研究發現，20世紀90年代出生的美國成年人的性生活少於老一輩；他們的穩定伴侶更少，在有伴侶時的性生活也更少。2021年的綜合社會調查發現，接受調查的所有成年人中，約有50%的人每月性生活一次或更少，其中一半的人報告說他們一年沒有性生活。研究人員推測了這30年來性低潮的原因，包括從科技導致的孤立到關於性同意的文化對話。

Many younger women, for instance, shaped in part by the #MeToo movement, are engaging in intentional abstinence. There are trends on TikTok about going “boysober,” a word coined by the comedian Hope Woodard, who says that taking a break from sex can be empowering for women who previously altered their desires to accommodate men. The digital feminist 4B movement, which originated in South Korea but has spread globally through social media, advocates a rejection of childbearing, as well as heterosexual dating, marriage and sex. “Platonic life partners,” meanwhile — friends who commit to owning a home and even raising children together — insist that sex and romance are not necessary to lifelong unions.

例如，許多年輕女性在一定程度上受到#MeToo（我也是）運動的影響，進行了有意識的節慾。TikTok上出現了關於「戒掉男孩」(boysober)的趨勢，這個詞是喜劇演員霍普·伍達德創造的，她說，對於那些以前為了適應男性而改變自己慾望的女性來說，暫停性生活可以賦予她們力量。數字女權主義4B運動起源於韓國，但已通過社群媒體傳播到全球。該運動倡導拒絕生育，以及拒絕異性戀約會、婚姻和性行為。與此同時，「柏拉圖式的生活伴侶」——承諾共同擁有一個家，甚至共同撫養孩子的朋友——堅持認為性和浪漫不是終身結合的必要條件。

The sex educator and researcher Emily Nagoski is resistant to the idea that frequent sex should be a chief component of every committed relationship. Nagoski — who has been open about her own hiatus from marital sex — doesn’t endorse obligatory sex, nor does she encourage aiming for any sexual base line in terms of regularity or behavior. Drawing on the work of the Canadian sexologist Peggy Kleinplatz, Nagoski believes that low desire can sometimes be evidence of good judgment. “It’s not dysfunctional not to want sex you don’t like,” Nagoski says.

性教育者和研究者艾米麗·納格斯基不認為頻繁的性行為應該是每一段深度投入的關係的主要組成部分。納格斯基對自己暫停婚姻性生活的事並不諱言，她不贊同履行義務的性愛，也不贊成對性生活的規律性或行為設定任何底線。納格斯基借鑒了加拿大性學家佩吉·克萊因普拉茨的研究成果，認為性慾低有時可能是判斷力良好的證據。納格斯基說：「不想要你不喜歡的性並不是功能障礙。」

In her new book, “Come Together,” Nagoski urges couples who want to explore their sexualities and deepen their sexual bond to begin by figuring out what each person wants when they want sex. For many, sex represents freedom from the ordinary, but what it takes to get there will look different for every couple and is likely to change over time. After all, desires don’t always align, or they evolve in unexpected ways.

Michelle and John met in 2005 at a party, and in the early years of their relationship, they couldn’t keep their hands off each other. Four years ago, however, after experiencing what she calls a “traumatic” childbirth, Michelle began to worry that intercourse would cause her pain.

米歇爾和約翰在2005年的一次聚會上相識，在交往的最初幾年，他們充滿激情。然而，四年前，在經歷了她所謂的「創傷性」分娩後，米歇爾開始擔心性交會引起疼痛。

She and John did not have sex for a year after they became parents. Now they can go months without it. Friends of theirs, too, seem to be experiencing new chapters in their own sex lives and opening up their marriages, which has sparked conversations between Michelle and John about the possibilities for reinvigorating their sex life. But they don’t always agree on what they want, or what they’re comfortable with.

她和約翰在為人父母后一年沒有過性生活。現在他們可以一連幾個月不做愛。他們的朋友們似乎也在經歷性生活的新篇章，並且嘗試開放婚姻，這讓米歇爾和約翰開始討論，該怎樣給他們之間的性生活注入新的活力。但他們並不總是能就想要什麼或者能接受什麼達成一致。

John knows, however, that having sex outside the marriage is a red line for Michelle. She witnessed infidelity tear apart her parents’ relationship. “I think there’s a big fear about ‘I have an urge that may be resolved in a minute or two,’ but the sense of what could be broken is not worth the risk,” John says.

然而，約翰知道，對米歇爾來說，婚外性行為是一條紅線。她目睹了不忠行為破壞她父母的關係。約翰說：「我覺得有一種擔心，『我有一種可以在一兩分鐘內解決的衝動』，但考慮到可能產生的破壞，冒這個險去解決它是不值得的 。」

Love, for both, is about much more than fulfilling those momentary desires. After almost two decades together, they consider themselves best friends and “soul mates.” When they first began dating, Michelle was reeling from the loss of her brother, who died in a car accident. She talked with John about the experience on an early date, and they were inseparable after that. John thought she was beautiful and wanted to spend as much time with her as he could. Michelle thought he was a welcome distraction, someone who could lift her out of her grief. They went to concerts. He made her mixtapes. But there were also times when she broke down crying, and he was there for her.

對兩人來說，愛情的意義遠不止滿足一時的慾望。在一起近二十年後，他們認為自己是最好的朋友和「靈魂伴侶」。他們剛開始約會的時候，米歇爾正沉浸在哥哥車禍喪生的悲痛中。她很早就和約翰談起了這次經歷，從那以後他們就形影不離了。約翰覺得她很美，想盡量和她待在一起。米歇爾則樂於通過他來轉移注意力，這是一個能把她從悲傷中拉出來的人。他們去聽音樂會。他給她做了混音帶。但也有幾次，當她崩潰哭泣時，他會陪在她身邊。

John used to try to comfort Michelle by saying he understood how she felt, but when he lost his own brother in 2012, he realized how wrong he had been. As he mourned, Michelle “just knew what to do in the unspoken moments — whether it was knowing when to give me space, or knowing when I needed a hug, or I just needed her to be next to me,” John says. Today, Michelle remains the “central piece” of his happiness.

約翰曾經試圖安慰米歇爾，說他理解她的感受，但當他在2012年失去自己的兄弟時，他意識到自己錯了。約翰說，在他哀悼的時候，米歇爾「知道在那些無法言說的時刻該怎麼做——知道什麼時候該給我空間，或者知道什麼時候我需要一個擁抱，或者什麼時候我需要她在身邊」。今天，米歇爾仍然是他的幸福的「核心部分」。

Michelle and John share a one-bedroom with their daughter, and while they get some privacy during the day, they’re busy working from home. Now, most days, Michelle masturbates in the morning, while John takes their daughter to preschool. He masturbates at night in the bathroom, while watching porn on his phone. For John, it’s merely a physical release, but for Michelle, pleasuring herself serves a different purpose: She is trying to figure out what makes her feel good. Exploring her changed body alone eliminates the guilt she has when she can’t climax with her husband. She doesn’t want him to think it has anything to do with him. “I want to get there, but it’s not getting there,” she says.

兩人和他們的女兒住一套一居室，雖然白天有一些私人空間，但他們都忙著在家工作。現在，大多數時候，米歇爾在早上自慰，而約翰送女兒去幼稚園。他晚上用手機看著色情片在浴室裡自慰。對約翰來說，這只是一種身體上的釋放，但對米歇爾來說，取悅自己有不同的目的：她想找到什麼能讓她感覺良好。獨自探索她變化了的身體可以消除她不能和丈夫高潮時的內疚。她不想讓他覺得這和他有什麼關係。她說：「我想達到高潮，但卻無法達到。」

Of the more than 30 married people I interviewed, many, like Michelle, told me that becoming parents irrevocably changed their sex lives. Camille, who lives in California, felt her marriage was the most solid and caring relationship she had ever experienced, but becoming a mother distanced her from her desire. “It feels like something I can’t quite touch, like in another room, or another part of me that I don’t know how to access,” she says.

在我採訪的30多位已婚人士中，許多人都跟米歇爾一樣告訴我，成為父母不可挽回地改變了他們的性生活。卡米爾住在加州，她覺得婚姻是她經歷過的最穩固、最貼心的關係，但成為母親讓她遠離了自己的慾望。「感覺就像我不能觸摸的東西，就像在另一個房間裡，或者是我不知道該如何進入的另一個自己的部分，」她說。

Other mothers started to see sex as one more chore, another line item on their list of responsibilities. Keti, a mother of a neurodivergent child who craved being held, found that sex with her husband had become “robotic” as she began to see it as “one more demand.” Her husband was doing everything he could to support her, but she felt an obligation to get back to their old sex life, even though she wanted “desperately to go into a forest and just lie down and not hear anyone or anything.”

也有的母親開始把性愛看作例行公事，是責任清單上的一項。凱特的孩子是一個渴望被擁抱的神經發育異常兒童，她發現自己同丈夫的性行為變得「像機器人一樣」，因為她開始把它視為「又一項要求」。丈夫盡其所能支持她，但她覺得有義務回到他們以前的性生活中，儘管她「非常渴望走進一片森林，躺下來，什麼人什麼事都不要聽」。

Lilien, who has two kids, says becoming a mother was a turning point for her. She had to leave her previous career and didn’t know who she was or what she wanted. “My identity was totally eviscerated,” she says. “I was really confused about what my worth was.” Her history of sexual assault also resurfaced in profound ways. She thought she needed to be “permeable” to nurture her children. She didn’t have the capacity to extend that physical openness to her husband. She couldn’t stand soft caresses from him, which felt like the tickling of her child’s hands.

莉莉安有兩個孩子，她說成為母親對她來說是一個轉折點。她不得不離開以前的工作，不知道自己是誰，也不知道自己想要什麼。「我的自我認同完全被掏空了，」她說。「我真的不知道自己的價值在哪裡。」遭受性侵的往事也以深刻的方式重新浮出水面。為了養育孩子，她認為她需要做到「毫無保留」。她沒有能力將身體上的開放性延伸到丈夫身上。她無法忍受他溫柔的愛撫，那感覺就像孩子的手在撓她的痒痒。

Lilien’s husband, Philip, never pressured her to be intimate, for which she is grateful. “The most important thing for me was to maintain a place where the sex you have is very positive, very consensual, very understood and mutually enjoyed,” he says. Five years later, Philip knows she is still coming to terms with everything motherhood has brought into her life. Recently they started having more sex, about once every other month. Lilien loves her husband’s firm back rubs, which he’s happy to give.

莉莉安的丈夫菲利普從未強迫她與自己親密接觸，她對此很感激。他說：「對我來說，最重要的是保持一種方式，擁有非常積極的、非常自願的、非常理解的、相互享受的性行為。」五年後，菲利普知道她仍然在適應成為母親給她的生活帶來的一切。最近他們開始有了更多的性生活，大約每隔一個月一次。莉莉恩很喜歡丈夫給她按摩後背，他也很樂意給她按摩。

Other couples, much like Rose and Will, confessed to feeling sexually misaligned with their partners as their desires shifted in different directions. Jean, a 38-year-old mother living in Virginia, told me that her husband’s interest in sex has dropped off gradually over the course of their 13-year marriage. She, on the other hand, experienced what she called “a secondary puberty” as her kids grew older and became less dependent on her. She felt “so sexually charged” that she visited her gynecologist to confirm she wasn’t having a hormonal issue. She’s now trying to figure out how to navigate her husband’s low desire. “I feel like I’m living in the upside-down a lot of the time,” she says. “My friends complain about their husbands grabbing their butt while they wash dishes, and I think, Wow, I would love to feel wanted like that.”

其他夫婦，就像羅絲和威爾一樣，坦言由於慾望朝著不同的方向轉移，他們感到與伴侶的性生活不協調。珍是維吉尼亞的一位38歲的母親，她告訴我，在13年的婚姻生活中，她丈夫對性的興趣逐漸下降。另一方面，她經歷了她所謂的「二次青春期」，因為她的孩子長大了，對她的依賴減少了。她覺得自己「性慾旺盛」，於是去看了婦科醫生，確認自己不是荷爾蒙出了問題。她現在正試圖弄清楚如何應對丈夫的低性慾。「我覺得自己很多時候都生活在顛倒的世界裡，」她說。「朋友們抱怨說，丈夫在她們洗碗的時候抓她們的屁股，我想，哇，我也喜歡那種被需要的感覺。」

Another mother, Emily, says that sex gradually became less important over the course of her 34-year marriage. When her kids were little, intimacy with her husband stalled briefly, but as their children grew older, they had a “revival of a good sex life,” Emily says. Now she is 59 and has had several operations resulting from a battle with cancer, including a hysterectomy and mastectomy. As a result, her desire lessened, and sex began to feel like “vacuuming the house” — something she did to make her husband happy. And he noticed. “If you are used to somebody responding to you in a certain way, you can tell when they are acting,” she says. “I wasn’t the same person.”

另一位母親艾米麗說，在她34年的婚姻生活中，性逐漸變得不那麼重要了。當孩子們還小的時候，她和丈夫的親密關係一度停滯，但隨著孩子長大，他們「恢復了良好的性生活」，艾米麗說。現在她59歲了，在與癌症的鬥爭中經歷了幾次手術，包括子宮切除術和乳房切除術。結果，她的性慾減弱了，性愛變得像是「用吸塵器打掃房子」——她做這些是為了讓丈夫開心。他看出來了。「如果你習慣了別人以某種特定的方式回應你，那麼當他們在假裝時，你就能看出來，」她說。「我已經變了個人。」

One night in bed, about 10 years after she went on a hormone treatment for her cancer that put her into early menopause, they had a frank conversation about their sex life. “We discussed my lack of desire, and he said that if I’m not turned on, then he’s not either,” Emily says. He admitted that his sex drive had dipped, too. So they decided not to force it. She feels there’s some cultural pressure for older people to keep up their sex lives into their 80s. She’s read, with skepticism, articles claiming that maintaining sex later in life is healthy. “Is it?” she said. “I don’t know.”

在她因癌症而接受激素治療並提前進入更年期大約10年後，一天晚上，他們在床上坦率地談論了他們的性生活。艾米麗說：「我們討論了我缺乏性慾的問題，他說如果我不興奮，那他也不會興奮。」他承認自己的性慾也下降了。所以他們決定不再勉強。她覺得有些文化壓力迫使老年人在80多歲時還保持性生活。她讀過一些文章，說在晚年保持性生活有益健康，但她對此持懷疑態度。「是嗎？」她說。「我不知道。」

Emily feels their marriage has progressed naturally: They experienced decades of passion, and while they remain affectionate outside of the bedroom, their relationship now transcends sex in many ways. It’s about the life they’ve built together. “We’ve been in a sexless relationship for years now,” Emily says. “We get along great, but we’re more like best buds than lovers.”

艾米麗覺得他們的婚姻發展得很自然：他們經歷了幾十年的激情，雖然他們在卧室外仍然充滿深情，但如今他們的關係在很多方面都超越了性，是關於他們共同創造的生活。「我們沒有性生活已經有好幾年了，」艾米麗說。「我們相處得很好，但我們更像是最好的朋友而不是戀人。」

Despite their insistence that sex isn’t essential in their marriages, most of the couples I spoke with still keep track of how often they have sex. They also appear haunted by how far they deviate from perceived norms. John, for instance, hopes he and his wife can work back up to having sex two or three times a week, but admits he has no idea where that figure came from.

儘管他們都堅持認為性在自己的婚姻中不是必不可少的，但我採訪過的大多數夫婦仍然記錄性生活的頻率。他們似乎也對自己偏離公認標準的程度耿耿於懷。例如，約翰希望他和他的妻子能恢復到每週做愛兩到三次，但他承認自己不知道這個數字是從哪裡來的。

Numbers, Nagoski believes, can be a counterproductive metric. It’s impossible to hear such statistics and not judge one’s relationship against them. Numbers also don’t account for whether participants are enjoying the sex they are having. “You’re comparing yourself — you’re judging yourself as OK or inadequate — compared to a whole bunch of people you’re not having sex with, who are not having sex with you,” Nagoski says.

納格斯基認為，用數字作為衡量標準可能適得其反。聽到這樣的統計數據，我們不可能不拿這些數據來判斷自己的親密關係。數據不能說明參與者是否享受自己的性生活。納格斯基說：「你是在拿自己和一群沒有和你發生性關係的人對比——拿他們來判斷自己到底是不錯還是不行。」

For couples measuring themselves against what Nagoski calls the “fictions” of sex, or for those worried that their relationship is on the line whenever they enter the bedroom or don’t meet some monthly number, there may be too much pressure for sex to be enjoyable. It’s more important that couples establish what kind of sex is worth having.

對於那些用納格斯基所說的性「虛構」來衡量自己的夫婦，或者對於那些擔心每月性生活沒有達到某個數字，婚姻關係就會受到威脅的夫妻來說，可能有太大的壓力要讓性生活變得愉快。更重要的是，夫妻要確定什麼樣的性才是值得擁有的。

Rose admits to feeling the weight of societal expectations. Recently she decided that since she and Will were rarely having sex, she would have her birth-control implant removed from her arm. During the procedure, the nurse intimated there was something wrong with Rose’s marriage. Rose felt shamed and angry. The idea that she should be living in a constant state of arousal with her husband after a decade together is, to her, ridiculous, but also part of a facade she thinks many married couples maintain.

羅絲承認自己感受到了社會期望的壓力。最近，她決定，既然她和威爾很少做愛，她可以把手臂上的節育植入物取出來。在手術過程中，護士暗示羅絲的婚姻出了問題。羅絲感到羞愧和憤怒。在她看來，要求她和丈夫在一起十年後依然應該生活在一種持續的性興奮狀態中是荒謬的，但她認為這也是許多已婚夫婦維持的表面現象的一部分。

“There are people who tell you all the sex they’re having,” she says. “I feel like it’s a lot more common that a lot of people are not.” With the help of her therapist, Rose is exploring whether her A.D.H.D. may play a role in her need to seek new stimuli — not because she sees it as a problem but because she is interested in understanding her desire more fully. “Apparently the partner fatigue I experience is not so uncommon because our ‘special’ brains are always seeking out what’s new,” she says.

「有些人會告訴你他們的性生活如何豐富，」她說。「我覺得更常見的情況應該是沒有性生活。」在治療師的幫助下，羅絲正在探索她尋求新刺激的需求，是否跟她的注意力缺陷多動障礙有關——不是因為她認為這是一個問題，而是因為她有興趣更全面地了解自己的慾望。「顯然，我所經歷的伴侶疲勞並不罕見，因為我們『特殊』的大腦總是在尋找新的東西，」她說。

Will sometimes turns to Buddhist writings on restraint to explore his sexuality. He jokes there may be some confirmation bias at work, but he thinks his wife’s self-awareness — and her unwillingness to force herself into sex that she doesn’t want to have — has matured him. For Will, intimacy is less about completion and more about connection. “I’ve learned, even just about the act of sex itself, the ending is not always the best part,” Will says. “There’s pleasure throughout the spectrum.”

威爾有時會求助於有關克制的佛教著作來探索自己的性慾。他開玩笑說，這其中可能有一些確認偏差，但他認為妻子的自我意識——以及她不願意強迫自己發生她不想發生的性行為——讓他變得成熟了。對威爾來說，親密關係與其說是一種完成，不如說是一種聯繫。「我明白了，即使只是關於性行為本身，結果並不總是最好的部分，」威爾說。「快樂貫穿於整個過程。」

In March, for Rose’s 40th birthday, they took a trip to Hawaii. She switched off her phone for hours as they sprawled out by the ocean. Will remembers turning toward his wife and staring at her, watching her relaxing, her body loose. In that moment, he wasn’t thinking about sex or how beautiful Rose looked under the sun. He was thinking about how similar they actually are. More than anything, they want to enjoy themselves in their own way, to savor the small moments when they can let the rest of the world fade away.

為了慶祝羅絲40歲生日，他們3月去了夏威夷。當他們躺在海邊時，她把手機關了好幾個小時。威爾記得，自己轉身看著妻子，看著她放鬆下來，身體鬆弛。在那一刻，他沒有想到性，也不是她在陽光下有多麼美麗。他在想他們倆到底有多相似。最重要的是，他們想以自己的方式享受生活，享受那些可以忘卻身外之物的微小時刻。